the longest day

Yesterday was the longest day we've shared with Kincaid so far. Saturday morning, he unexpectedly bit me while nursing. Yes, it hurts. He's bit me before, but I usually anticipate it and can grit my teeth and not jump or yelp. For whatever reason, yesterday, he bit me and I wasn't expecting it. I jumped a bit, and he pulled off and cried. Unlike normal, he wouldn't latch back on....for the rest of the day. Nor would he take a bottle. If you've ever breastfed, you know how excruciating this can be. I felt rejected and defeated. I wondered if our nursing relationship was over, even though I am not near ready to call it quits. I didn't think he was, either, but when he would start to latch on, look up at me, and then begin to scream again, time after time, I wondered if he was.

He cried most of the day. Travis took him for a walk, and he calmed down somewhat. But he would only cease crying for a few minutes before he'd start again. He wouldn't sleep. He would eat solids, but wasn't happy about it. I know he wanted milk, but he wouldn't take it. As one day, in retrospect, it was just one day. But while it happened, I felt lost and worthless. I think this is why we wean children gradually, or allow them to lead the weaning. Sudden weaning is heartbreaking. I know a few women who have had to wean quickly for different reasons, and I cannot imagine how difficult it would be. I do think that having a reason (such as needing to start a medication that is incompatible with breastfeeding) would help, but it would still break my heart.

When I chose to breastfeed, I had no idea this would be such a close relationship. I knew it would be the best nutrition I could offer Kincaid, and since I was physically able and planned to work from home, I knew it would be easiest to breastfeed. I have saved some money, although I sometimes wonder if I've spent as much in granola bars and Luna bars as I would have in formula and bottles! I'm starting to feel ready to wean, as we have about three months left until he is a year old. I imagine this could spill over past a year old, but I don't think I want to try to breastfeed until he is two. I admire women who do, but I do feel as if my body is still on loan as an extension of pregnancy. I'm ready for this phase to end, and for another to begin. I worry that he may be lactose intolerant or have a dairy allergy (not unlike my occasional issues with dairy) but hopefully he can transition to cow's milk at a year old. The transition will be difficult for both of us, and I want to follow his lead, so we'll see how that goes. I just pray that we don't have any more days like yesterday. It tested our patience close to its limits.
Sometimes we wonder if we will ever catch a break. We are doing the best we have with the circumstances we brought upon ourselves. We're even going to church regularly! A woman named Brenda spoke at our church this morning in our pastor's absence. She shared the story of coming to our church after 30 years of not attending. She said she nearly vomited as she imagined coming into the church. But she also said that being willing to share her story and listen to others' stories has been the best thing she's ever done. She said that deciding to be a Christian was the best thing she'd ever done. I'm glad I only lasted about two years away from church. Still, because I didn't feel as if I'd be accepted, because of the judgmental behavior I witnessed as a child, I was terrified. I am still technically an unwed mother, although not a single mom. We are a statistic. We are the people pastors talk about when they mention the "damage" caused by "cohabitation." Even though I already believed this, living through this situation causes me to see every situation case by case. Never again will I consciously judge or look down on anyone's living situation, especially before I know the entire story. I encourage you to do the same. After all, you may be looking down on us. And how could you look down on this guy?