who am I again?

People can try to tell you how hard it is, and you can think you have a good idea, but you really don't until you live it. I read the baby books and heeded the warnings of other mothers that it's hard, but I had no idea. I don't think any new mother does. I feel like my (our) situation is compounded because we haven't even known each other for a full year. All Travis has known is the pregnant or postpartum Meagan, and I know quite well that neither of those people are my favorite versions of myself! Both of those Meagans are hormonal and exhausted, unhappy with her appearance, and therefore pretty snappy and not all that fun to be around. I feel for him, really. I know he must be hoping I'll snap out of this any day now. I certainly hope I do. But in the meantime, I'm overwhelmed. I love my little buddy more than life itself, and want to do all I can to make him happy and comfortable. I am still a person, though, and feel as if I have no outlet lately for my frustration. He has fishing, his garden, friends in town, work, photography...I have few friends here and the ones I have are not mothers, so they don't understand. I don't have a church, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I have no family, no one really to turn to (in person) to vent to. Sometimes the phone just doesn't cut it. He's 7 weeks old. Things are supposed to be getting better, right? And they are. He is sleeping somewhat longer periods most of the time, he eats more efficiently now, and I'm learning his quirks and temperament. We get smiles now. I want to say I'm doing fine, and I am. I could be doing much worse. I know what depressed feels like and I'm nowhere close to that. I am guessing I'm like any other woman who can't handle her hormones causing her to go from happy to pissed to horny to terrified to full-out-bawling in a matter of a few hours (minutes?)! It is more than frustrating. I don't feel like myself and haven't in a LONG time. I would like to meet myself again, really. It isn't even really that I feel my identity is lost in motherhood...I just feel as if I have so little control over my emotions sometimes that I don't recognize my reactions to things. Poor Travis doesn't know that I'm not always like this, and is justifiably skeptical when I say "this is not like me, I'm sorry." I don't know what to do. I'm sure getting a shot of progesterone last week doesn't help, but I couldn't do much else with my insurance changing over twice this summer. I'm stressing about starting a new job in a couple of weeks, wondering how I'll have the time and energy for it with a baby around who seems to require most of my waking hours. But I have to work. And, for the record, I don't "have" to work so that we can continue to afford gym memberships and our Hummer lease. I have to work so we can pay the bills. If I didn't have to, I definitely would rather go volunteer in my friend's kindergarten classroom, fix lavish meals for Travis every night, go to mommy/baby yoga classes, take coffee to Travis at break every morning, etc. But alas, for now, I must work a bit. I am grateful to have the job and really hope it works out. Maybe that will make me so busy I won't realize I'm overwhelmed or have the energy to care. That would be real healthy, but at least I wouldn't be crying so much!
I really do wish they'd spend more time in the birthing classes talking about the postpartum time period, and how it's difficult for ALL women, not just the small percentage that suffers from the disease of postpartum depression. Men need to know that the hormone roller-coaster is not even close to over. They need to know we feel fat and disgusting. They need to know that although (most of us) love breastfeeding, it's overwhelming to be someone else's food supply, and it doesn't always come easy. They need to know that even when we cry or feel overwhelmed that it isn't because we don't love being mothers, it's because...well...I guess men need to know that we don't always have a reason for feeling the way we do. Just let us be and comfort us; we'll be OK.
We both need time to get to know one another, and we really haven't ever had that chance. For the majority of my pregnancy, I spent weekends with him because I was still working down in West Yellowstone, and most of those weekends were spent at a house with his roommate who isn't exactly Mr. Friendly towards me. We got a few weekends of time alone in our new place, and they were glorious. Once I moved up here, it was because I was on bed rest and was pretty exhausted most of the time. I was here for about three weeks before I went into labor. How easy would it be for you to start parenting with someone you'd only lived with for three weeks and had only known for ten months? It's all worth it for little Kincaid, but it is not easy. And when will we have time? We are strangers passing in the night at this point. We try to spend time together on the weekends, but we end up arguing and I end up in tears, and it's all a wash because I feel like a jerk for ruining everything, even if it's really no one's fault. We need a serious retreat, and who knows how or when we'll get such a thing. That requires money, of which we have none.
I'm not trying to throw a pity party, I promise. I just need some sort of outlet, and writing is all I have for now, and for that I have little time. All any of us want is to be loved, and it's hard to give or receive love when you're so exhausted. Things are pretty tense around here, and it's not how I want them to be. I need the support system I'm used to having, but such a thing takes time to build. I have a small one in Missoula and another in West Yellowstone, but next to nothing here in Bozeman. I like this town, but I wish I had the energy and knew where to go to meet people. I need like-minded women...women who like to read (or did before they had kids), women who believe in God but can't stand most Christian music or Fox news, women who are intelligent but want to be "just" mothers and do all they can to stay home and avoid child care...who don't care about climbing the corporate ladder.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping even though I'm completely worn out. I can't often go back to sleep once I've gotten up to feed Kincaid in the middle of the night. But I will go try again tonight, even though my mind is racing and I'm worried and overwhelmed. I will try to end on a happier note, though: